Self-awareness

I really thought I wanted to do it. I've deluded myself for many months. I thought I wanted to do some part time work somewhere. I've looked in the want ads in the paper each Sunday to see if the magic job was there. Then, suddenly and quite unexpectedly, Dr. Lori Russell called me to see if I would be interested in working with her practice and doing some counseling in Canton. She said it would just be 5-8 hours a week. We met at the ICA conference and discussed it over lunch. When I got home from the conference, I contacted her associate and discussed the position with him. He sent me the paperwork and I sent him my credentials and other requested materials. Then, Kenny and I went on vacation to Florida and on our cruise. We returned last week and I set up at meeting with the associate for orientation to their practice. I met with him yesterday and came home with a briefcase of materials and two manuals. As I sat here last night reading the materials, I kept getting an uneasy feeling. Each time, I would dispute it and rationalize it away as only fear of the unknown. I told myself that as soon as I learned the ropes of their system and got back into action, I would feel better about everything. Then, I went to bed. About 2:30 AM, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I finally got up and wrote in my journal at 3:30. I tried to decide what exactly was producing my unease. I finally came to the conclusion that I was not put off by fear, but, was really not wanting to go back to work at all. I didn't want to take this job or any job. I love having my freedom for the first time in my life. I hadn't realized how precious that was to me. Since I've been an adult, I've either been a student, a parent, or worked for someone. I've always had to answer to someone or be available to someone. Now, is the first time in my life where every day is my own. I can do whatever I please. This freedom is a precious thing and I was about to trade it all away for a paltry paycheck. I am so glad that I listened to my gut and then had the courage to follow up on my conviction. I dreaded informing Dr. Russell and her associate. I was very difficult for me to let them down. I know they were both hoping I was the person for the Canton position. That is the only part of this that troubles me. I sent them both an email this morning informing them of my decision. I spoke in person with the associate when I returned the briefcase and materials. Later, Dr. Russell called me and I told her my reasons for deciding not to accept the position. I believe that she understood and accepted my logic. I hope and pray that there aren't any hard feelings and I apologized for my failure to know my own heart for so long. I have learned a very important lesson and hope to do a better job in the future with awareness of what I want and don't want in my life. I guess that I've done this many times before and that only recently have I started to trust my own feelings and not try to use logic to override what I know to be true. As I told them in the email, every time I've used logic to override a "gut" feeling, I've ended up regretting the choice that I made. The truth is that logic can only take a person so far in life and then instinct or trust must then take over. I don't know why it has taken me 62 years to learn and accept and use this knowledge, I am only grateful that I've finally learned to be true to myself. I have to give some credit to Oprah Winfrey. She recently had a series on her new network OWN called Life's Lessons. I watched several segments and she stressed throughout the programming the importance of listening to your gut and creating an awareness of what is and is not good for you. She stressed trusting your instincts and not letting logic talk you into out out of something that you know. Today, I chose to apply that lesson to my life and I feel great and relieved.